hellooooo, I"m back in the chaos of the world and the quietness of the retreat behind me. What an amazing experience! I love noble silence. Being back around everything is so distracting for meditation now, it was easy in our large group of collective energy and quietness. No matter, I have found my path, the path of Dhamma and will continue to walk it. The first day was the longest! I thought it would never end..lol it felt like ten days in one. The third day we sat in complete stillness for two hours, by the second hour I was shaking and crying till we ended an hour later. Physical discomfort made feeling the subtleties of my sub atomic particles challenging, but found equanimity and balance of mind through the pain rather than the subtle which helped later with subtler sensations. wow, how to encapsulate such a profound experience. Everything I ever learnt or read about spirituality and buddhism made complete sense through the direct personal experience. The technique I have learnt to eradicate my own misery has to be practice continually for years, which is fine with me, I get it. This is how I want to spend the rest of my life, healing myself and then sharing with others, nothing is more important to me now. I'm planning on more vipassana retreats and finding monastaries to spend time in to explore this discipline. I love the fact it is nonsectarian and universal, since we all have misery it is applicable to all. I have benefited greatly already from such a brief encounter, now to find peaceful places to practice. I also realized how much my mind tortures me with the way I think, pain and intensity has been my daily bread for soooo long, and peace has evaded me. Now I have found a way with a method that leads me out of my own suffering. May all beings be happy. Love love love! xo

A big thanks to all that those things, people and places that have pissed me off!! lol It has caused me to turn inward towards the true guru within:) I was reminded of the buddha, he had it all and gave it away then went and search everywhere outside himself and tried it all on and jumped though everyone's hoops, to no avail and when he finally said fuk it! and sat...he found it. I'm at that point!!! so done with it, them and all of it and ready to honor me. I've a new plan for me when I'm done vipassana and its fantastic. and simple. xoxoxoxoox

Having established a pretty solid 1st chakra right now, I feel safe, secure, nourished with more awareness of grounding. Working in the 4th, heart, chakra and loving myself and others, has me looking back to the 2nd chakra and the right to feel. The anger issues that are coming up and the aggressive teachers I attract are all shadow issues of this chakra. There is a lot going on in this area for me, I have a lot of emotions and memories to sort through and reclaim. Every family( and I love mine greatly) has its inherited crap to work through, the environments form the child, now as an adult I have to do the work to dust off and heal the child and create new ways of being and allowing myself to feel and act as I deem . I've just realized I'm highly clairesentient to the sacrifice of my own feelings. I can totally feel empathetically what others are feeling a mile away, but haven't been able to deal with the complexity of my own. I remember years ago a girlfriend of mine trying to help me and asking me what was going on inside for me...it was highly frustrating, I couldn't answer:( it was like being in the entertainment department of future shop with all the T.V.s and stereos blaring at once... I went out got drunk and had sex with as many as were willing. Now after having had my awakening, I can now intellectually process the emotions that come up. It's a slow sorting process. But damn it feels good to be able to see and feel what is going on for me and to have the faculties to restructure my inner life. Because I live in my head my upper chakras are pretty good, but from the neck down, its a mess! lol. The lack of wellness is stemming from both the 2nd and 4th chakras... I will continue to work on them till good health results. Blessings to you all as you walk your paths! xo love you!

I'm meeting with aryuvedic doctor to talk about stopping, I can't seem to get up to the amount of drops I need to to go onto more harsh stuff and i"m still getting diarrhea. I'm not willing to deal with all of the routine and the runs during vipassana which sounds brutal enough! Dealing with heart chakra stuff, to love and be loved...to love oneself.... Been thinking and talking a lot to my inne r child past couple of days..I miss him/her and I miss playing, which usually only happens when I feel safe with someone or i'm drunk and on party favors. Observing the disconnect and the need for integration. I've decided to not look for anyone or thing outside of me, today me and I"m taking the inner child to find some water colors and paper. I used to do a lot of drawing in my room alone as a kid, time to do that again. I also like long nature walks, which i'm going to do again. I've had enough of people giving me crap about where I am and where they think I should be..I've been through sooo much hell in my life, lots self inflicted, i've had enough. I don't need tough love, i need sensitive, gentle love. I'm not stupid or deaf, nor do I need to be beaten with words or sticks, I'm a awesome communicator and quite perceptive. These 'enlightened' women, one gives me crap and the other won't talk to me till I do vipassana. Had enough! I'm the enlightened person I'm waiting to meet. I will do my work and if they or anyone else wants to talk to me, they can come to me! I ain't chasin anyone! finished. Tee hee, now to go and paint some landscapes:)

India is so psychic and intense, I'm in the middle of heart stuff right now and the universe/divine will not let me escape! lol It's not about talking to anyone here anymore,looking outside myself or looking for guru's or anything. It's about going in and dealing with energy that is blocked and needs to be moved and released. Vipassana is a week away, i'm nervous cause this is about facing the bear in the cave. I know when I make it through I will have made head way. But right now the energy in my chest is intense, I'm loving burning incense right now and talking with my inner child being home and alone. Some lessons are hardest learnt and this is one.

So close but yet so far!! AGAIN!! The man from the Himalayas turns out to be a Master, and only comes down when he feels the call to help someone. He said perhaps that person is me...Whoa..I will be posting a longer version, but this is it in a nut shell... we chatted and connected, he invited me back to his private place in my complex where he proceeded to ask me a lot of questions to get to k now where i was coming from and told me things about the north that I knew from my studies and why I want to go there! And then He reprimanded me for looking like a dirty hippie tough guy, that my outside doesn't match my inside. You know he's a teacher when they lovingly rebuke you. So I went to my place and change clothes into my best, which impressed him and he said I have to always dress this way. Its so hot though! I wanna be naked! lol. Gah, so here I sit sweating and typing;) He paid for the taxi and all the items we needed for puja at the Shiva Temple(which also tells me he's serious and not working me..) he told me I need to hang out at this temple because the energy at the burning ghat is burning up my positive energy, and the saints, sages and sadhus have been prayin here for a long time. And the people in the hood i"m staying in are just out for money and are very negative, so I wasn't to far off when I freaked out a week ago. So we get to the temple and tells me to surrender and that he's going to bring Kailash to me..and he initiates me and gives me a new name, which I didn't catch, oops:( The initiate was intense and very intimate, like the last one. Its crazy how intimate they are...holy. we finish and come out and he asks me how the experience was.. I told him I didn't feel anything really:( the whole process was to open my third eye! and I couldn't surrender! He basically told me I was an arrogant lil so and so:( in a loving way mind you. we leave and hail a taxi and he drops me off. I was depressed I went home and starting crying, of course thats how I deal . I felt rejected not by him but by God, it has been a long time since I felt like suicide, but the feeling didn't last, I worked through the rejection and remembered his words..' I obviously wasn't ready yet!' the operative word "yet"! so I just got mad and decided I would spend all my time at the temple in prayer, which is where I've been all day. My body is hurting! I have to spend most of my time alone and in pray reciting my mantra..I've been initiated 3 times here now, they keep seeing my light and this time it was a master from the north! SO kewl! if I can manifest one, two is for sure! I just have to work harder..it doesn't help that i just came from burning man and my only mantra was ..I'll have another beer! lol. I'm getting closer, but i've had things like this happen to me before, very spiritual but I can't let go and surrender:( i"m only surrendering to myself, but can't seem to do it. He also said I passed the burning ghat test! I also know that I'm always being tested! So on to the next part of my path forward and inward:) When I was taking breaks from meditation (he told me I had to write about the experience) now have to type it. when its done I will send it out. But I don't know if I will see him again, I'm not sure if he's mad or disappointed or couldn't be bothered now, I can't reach him and ya. Moving on. love from the edge! xoxoxooox Like · · Promote

Today is a drizzly grey day, anyone wanna meet up for a beer and a snuggle!! lol. All this inner work has me wanting to party and let loose! Every saturday or sunday night the rental palace/hall next door throws a dance party, last night they were given er.... I wanted to get loaded and go dance my tits off, it sounded like burning man out there. Alas, I'm still dealing with diarrhea and by 9:00 i'm exhausted, so ear plugs in and to bed. I came home last night to the paddle lock on my door not working and having to call a guy in and take it apart which took half an hour..a bolt cutter would have worked in a minute. I was raised to clean up after myself and keep things tidy, some how I often get saddled up with the gals that don't keep things clean at all. Like the gal I share a washroom with, its a tiled room with toilet and shower, so I rinse my way out so it is clean for her. I come in and there is mud prints on floor and one day she dumped her floor sweepings in toilet and left the dirt and cockroach bodies on the toilet seat! gross! So I told her and she cleaned it saying she wasn't aware, really?? lol So,my diet is good, I'm feeling safe and secure where I meditate..well, more than I was ;) I have moments when I leave meditation and I feel like I"m floating on clouds and i"m soooo mellow and life feels sweet! Other days, I have so much crap come up I want to unscrew my head and punt it into the river!! There is no escape from ones self. I love to open my eyes from a meditation to see the puppies crashed in the grass in front of me waiting for me to open my eyes. I love em! Even the really gruff guy now comes up and paws my leg wanting me to pet him. I've starting looking into group tours to mount Kailash, as that seems to be the only way to do it. I'm waiting for the travel planner to get back to me. Its hard to plan ahead an not worry, and try to be in the moment. its a dance for sure. So many things to consider. I know it will come together as it should. So weird, it has not been often I remember dreaming, but since I've arrived in Pune I dream every night and remember a fair amount of it, they are vivid and usually a friend in it. Last night Pam Clack you were in it, we were hanging on the packed street with lots of friends and performers and peeps, you were just going on to sing a rap song and do some break dancing..lol you go girl!! then you walked away with me and started talking about issues from my last dream and walked me to the place I was the night before to continue the last dream.. part 2?! thats never happpend! crazy..well off I go into my day. I hope your day is great folks! love and blessings to you all!