hellooooo, I"m back in the chaos of the world and the quietness of the retreat behind me. What an amazing experience! I love noble silence. Being back around everything is so distracting for meditation now, it was easy in our large group of collective energy and quietness. No matter, I have found my path, the path of Dhamma and will continue to walk it. The first day was the longest! I thought it would never end..lol it felt like ten days in one. The third day we sat in complete stillness for two hours, by the second hour I was shaking and crying till we ended an hour later. Physical discomfort made feeling the subtleties of my sub atomic particles challenging, but found equanimity and balance of mind through the pain rather than the subtle which helped later with subtler sensations. wow, how to encapsulate such a profound experience. Everything I ever learnt or read about spirituality and buddhism made complete sense through the direct personal experience. The technique I have learnt to eradicate my own misery has to be practice continually for years, which is fine with me, I get it. This is how I want to spend the rest of my life, healing myself and then sharing with others, nothing is more important to me now. I'm planning on more vipassana retreats and finding monastaries to spend time in to explore this discipline. I love the fact it is nonsectarian and universal, since we all have misery it is applicable to all. I have benefited greatly already from such a brief encounter, now to find peaceful places to practice. I also realized how much my mind tortures me with the way I think, pain and intensity has been my daily bread for soooo long, and peace has evaded me. Now I have found a way with a method that leads me out of my own suffering. May all beings be happy. Love love love! xo

A big thanks to all that those things, people and places that have pissed me off!! lol It has caused me to turn inward towards the true guru within:) I was reminded of the buddha, he had it all and gave it away then went and search everywhere outside himself and tried it all on and jumped though everyone's hoops, to no avail and when he finally said fuk it! and sat...he found it. I'm at that point!!! so done with it, them and all of it and ready to honor me. I've a new plan for me when I'm done vipassana and its fantastic. and simple. xoxoxoxoox

Having established a pretty solid 1st chakra right now, I feel safe, secure, nourished with more awareness of grounding. Working in the 4th, heart, chakra and loving myself and others, has me looking back to the 2nd chakra and the right to feel. The anger issues that are coming up and the aggressive teachers I attract are all shadow issues of this chakra. There is a lot going on in this area for me, I have a lot of emotions and memories to sort through and reclaim. Every family( and I love mine greatly) has its inherited crap to work through, the environments form the child, now as an adult I have to do the work to dust off and heal the child and create new ways of being and allowing myself to feel and act as I deem . I've just realized I'm highly clairesentient to the sacrifice of my own feelings. I can totally feel empathetically what others are feeling a mile away, but haven't been able to deal with the complexity of my own. I remember years ago a girlfriend of mine trying to help me and asking me what was going on inside for me...it was highly frustrating, I couldn't answer:( it was like being in the entertainment department of future shop with all the T.V.s and stereos blaring at once... I went out got drunk and had sex with as many as were willing. Now after having had my awakening, I can now intellectually process the emotions that come up. It's a slow sorting process. But damn it feels good to be able to see and feel what is going on for me and to have the faculties to restructure my inner life. Because I live in my head my upper chakras are pretty good, but from the neck down, its a mess! lol. The lack of wellness is stemming from both the 2nd and 4th chakras... I will continue to work on them till good health results. Blessings to you all as you walk your paths! xo love you!

I'm meeting with aryuvedic doctor to talk about stopping, I can't seem to get up to the amount of drops I need to to go onto more harsh stuff and i"m still getting diarrhea. I'm not willing to deal with all of the routine and the runs during vipassana which sounds brutal enough! Dealing with heart chakra stuff, to love and be loved...to love oneself.... Been thinking and talking a lot to my inne r child past couple of days..I miss him/her and I miss playing, which usually only happens when I feel safe with someone or i'm drunk and on party favors. Observing the disconnect and the need for integration. I've decided to not look for anyone or thing outside of me, today me and I"m taking the inner child to find some water colors and paper. I used to do a lot of drawing in my room alone as a kid, time to do that again. I also like long nature walks, which i'm going to do again. I've had enough of people giving me crap about where I am and where they think I should be..I've been through sooo much hell in my life, lots self inflicted, i've had enough. I don't need tough love, i need sensitive, gentle love. I'm not stupid or deaf, nor do I need to be beaten with words or sticks, I'm a awesome communicator and quite perceptive. These 'enlightened' women, one gives me crap and the other won't talk to me till I do vipassana. Had enough! I'm the enlightened person I'm waiting to meet. I will do my work and if they or anyone else wants to talk to me, they can come to me! I ain't chasin anyone! finished. Tee hee, now to go and paint some landscapes:)

India is so psychic and intense, I'm in the middle of heart stuff right now and the universe/divine will not let me escape! lol It's not about talking to anyone here anymore,looking outside myself or looking for guru's or anything. It's about going in and dealing with energy that is blocked and needs to be moved and released. Vipassana is a week away, i'm nervous cause this is about facing the bear in the cave. I know when I make it through I will have made head way. But right now the energy in my chest is intense, I'm loving burning incense right now and talking with my inner child being home and alone. Some lessons are hardest learnt and this is one.

So close but yet so far!! AGAIN!! The man from the Himalayas turns out to be a Master, and only comes down when he feels the call to help someone. He said perhaps that person is me...Whoa..I will be posting a longer version, but this is it in a nut shell... we chatted and connected, he invited me back to his private place in my complex where he proceeded to ask me a lot of questions to get to k now where i was coming from and told me things about the north that I knew from my studies and why I want to go there! And then He reprimanded me for looking like a dirty hippie tough guy, that my outside doesn't match my inside. You know he's a teacher when they lovingly rebuke you. So I went to my place and change clothes into my best, which impressed him and he said I have to always dress this way. Its so hot though! I wanna be naked! lol. Gah, so here I sit sweating and typing;) He paid for the taxi and all the items we needed for puja at the Shiva Temple(which also tells me he's serious and not working me..) he told me I need to hang out at this temple because the energy at the burning ghat is burning up my positive energy, and the saints, sages and sadhus have been prayin here for a long time. And the people in the hood i"m staying in are just out for money and are very negative, so I wasn't to far off when I freaked out a week ago. So we get to the temple and tells me to surrender and that he's going to bring Kailash to me..and he initiates me and gives me a new name, which I didn't catch, oops:( The initiate was intense and very intimate, like the last one. Its crazy how intimate they are...holy. we finish and come out and he asks me how the experience was.. I told him I didn't feel anything really:( the whole process was to open my third eye! and I couldn't surrender! He basically told me I was an arrogant lil so and so:( in a loving way mind you. we leave and hail a taxi and he drops me off. I was depressed I went home and starting crying, of course thats how I deal . I felt rejected not by him but by God, it has been a long time since I felt like suicide, but the feeling didn't last, I worked through the rejection and remembered his words..' I obviously wasn't ready yet!' the operative word "yet"! so I just got mad and decided I would spend all my time at the temple in prayer, which is where I've been all day. My body is hurting! I have to spend most of my time alone and in pray reciting my mantra..I've been initiated 3 times here now, they keep seeing my light and this time it was a master from the north! SO kewl! if I can manifest one, two is for sure! I just have to work harder..it doesn't help that i just came from burning man and my only mantra was ..I'll have another beer! lol. I'm getting closer, but i've had things like this happen to me before, very spiritual but I can't let go and surrender:( i"m only surrendering to myself, but can't seem to do it. He also said I passed the burning ghat test! I also know that I'm always being tested! So on to the next part of my path forward and inward:) When I was taking breaks from meditation (he told me I had to write about the experience) now have to type it. when its done I will send it out. But I don't know if I will see him again, I'm not sure if he's mad or disappointed or couldn't be bothered now, I can't reach him and ya. Moving on. love from the edge! xoxoxooox Like · · Promote

Today is a drizzly grey day, anyone wanna meet up for a beer and a snuggle!! lol. All this inner work has me wanting to party and let loose! Every saturday or sunday night the rental palace/hall next door throws a dance party, last night they were given er.... I wanted to get loaded and go dance my tits off, it sounded like burning man out there. Alas, I'm still dealing with diarrhea and by 9:00 i'm exhausted, so ear plugs in and to bed. I came home last night to the paddle lock on my door not working and having to call a guy in and take it apart which took half an hour..a bolt cutter would have worked in a minute. I was raised to clean up after myself and keep things tidy, some how I often get saddled up with the gals that don't keep things clean at all. Like the gal I share a washroom with, its a tiled room with toilet and shower, so I rinse my way out so it is clean for her. I come in and there is mud prints on floor and one day she dumped her floor sweepings in toilet and left the dirt and cockroach bodies on the toilet seat! gross! So I told her and she cleaned it saying she wasn't aware, really?? lol So,my diet is good, I'm feeling safe and secure where I meditate..well, more than I was ;) I have moments when I leave meditation and I feel like I"m floating on clouds and i"m soooo mellow and life feels sweet! Other days, I have so much crap come up I want to unscrew my head and punt it into the river!! There is no escape from ones self. I love to open my eyes from a meditation to see the puppies crashed in the grass in front of me waiting for me to open my eyes. I love em! Even the really gruff guy now comes up and paws my leg wanting me to pet him. I've starting looking into group tours to mount Kailash, as that seems to be the only way to do it. I'm waiting for the travel planner to get back to me. Its hard to plan ahead an not worry, and try to be in the moment. its a dance for sure. So many things to consider. I know it will come together as it should. So weird, it has not been often I remember dreaming, but since I've arrived in Pune I dream every night and remember a fair amount of it, they are vivid and usually a friend in it. Last night Pam Clack you were in it, we were hanging on the packed street with lots of friends and performers and peeps, you were just going on to sing a rap song and do some break dancing..lol you go girl!! then you walked away with me and started talking about issues from my last dream and walked me to the place I was the night before to continue the last dream.. part 2?! thats never happpend! crazy..well off I go into my day. I hope your day is great folks! love and blessings to you all!

Last night I had tons come up... after meeting the man who said Kailash is calling you, which I knew while I was in Canada, I went home and was reading a book on buddhism and it had this to say... "A persons family and dependents are all there due to the nexus of causal factors from past lives. Temporarily they join together, but in the end they must be parted. This in itself is not sad or painful. What is sad and painful is to pass a lifetime in vain, without being mindful of the buddha, without practicing buddha rememberance. Today let us simply abandon the myriad entanglements , turn the light around and reflect back. Buddha rememberance is the most important thing in life. There is not much more to say." Which made me think of yoga philosophy and the four aspects of mind....1) Ahamkara- ego, awareness of the existance of 'I" 2) chitta- memory; aspect of the mind which receives impressions and stores them as samskaras( unconscious memory or impression which sets up impulses and trains of thought) 3) Manas- instinctive mind; rational mind, 5 senses input. 4) buddhi- intellectual mind, higher intelligence, discrimination, the witness and intuition. All this info went from head to heart, and I felt it all. I know my calling is to let go of everything, I did lots in Canada, now its the knowing in every cell in my body that I have to let go of everyone for a few years or more. When I go up to the himalayas I don't know how but I will be up there for a long time. And won't be facebookin or anything. To get to the buddhi nature is going to take time and isolation. I have attachments to my family and friends, and last night it hit me like a ton of bricks. When the initiated me as Maha Yogi, another name of Shiva, buddha what have you, I was told it was a hard path. I'm starting to feel it. It is what my whole life has been preparing me for and its what I want. But on the other hand I don't want to let go. So I spent the night and most of this morning grieving, it was sooo painful and clearing, my whole body heaving. The diarrhea was a part of the purification as well, purging and letting go. We all have the buddha nature and we are all going to end up there, but it seems now is my time to go. My past came up, my wishes just to be with everyone. it was just so intense. I know when I'm done my work I will be back, but it won't be as this person. Failure and turning back is not an option. I see things for what they are and I can't find true joy in it. My only wish is that I had be able to have more fun with people rather than be so dark and serious as I was. When I hugged people I held on as long as I could, knowing it would be a long time till I could do it again. To many doors and magical things are happening for me not to believe its happening. It's like the neverending story, where the boy in the attic can't believe he's Atreyu. we all are the stars of our own story we just have to believe. I also know that you have to sacrifice lots in life to get to the really good stuff. It is sad and painful letting go, but I really want the pearl of great price... my trueself..and a peaceful mind. Love !! xo

I can't thank you enough my friends for your support and kind words that sooth and inspire me, it truly brings tears to my eyes more than once knowing how loved I am by you!! Today myself and a local photographer whose name is also Sagar, yes Sita Giri Le Gros I'm going by Sagar;) xo We went up to a Shiva temple to do a photoshoot.The motorcycle ride through town was awesome!! so many people on the road and the view was a nice change. As we were walking out of the cafe, a man in a corta walks up to me and says " have you been to mount Kailash?" I said I was planning to go, and he said go! Kailash is calling you, and he walked away. I looked at the waiter and he said he is from that area. Well, that decides that. I knew I was going, but that makes it definite. I was going to try to get to thailand, but guess its more important to go there. As for the staff at this cafe I go to, they all work 12-14 hr shifts..EVERYDAY!!! with only a two hour break. Most of them come from northern communities that have no work and they send all monies home to support mom, dad,wife and kids! I don't know how they do it and keep smiling. I don't know what to talk to them about , everyday is the same for both of us..lol. small talk has never been my forte, and the language barrier is work. Though they are better with english than most. My aryuvedic drops have giving me wicked diarrhea so had to stop for a bit and back up the doses. I'm clenching as I write this.lol Good night to you all as I get on with my day. Blessings and love from Mother India! xo

I feel like I finally landed in India yesterday, after having my little hissy fit a couple days ago and hating it here and wanting to leave straight away and never come back. This place is everything you need it to be and lots of what you didn't know you needed. Being here has shown me about "BEING' here. Like you said Brigitte Amritmayi Prud'homme its not about where you are but where 'YOU' are. I got it all yesterday. My ego and its wants, not feeling included in all the groups around me, the osho peeps and the pretty boys on motor bikes..rejection. Learning not looking outside myself, keeping awareness inside, I have had some good talks with the right people at the right time. Mostly its root chakra, nourishing the body( aryuvedic) the right to be here, safety and security, trust. All my triggers going off at once. Fight, flight or friendship. Yesterday sitting in meditation, I opened my eyes which I've learnt to keep open most times. I saw the last 3 feet of a fairly thick snake slither by into the underbrush, which I've walked through before, just a couple feet below me. Adrenaline rush!! The other day sitting and something buzzing like a bee but as big as a small mouse almost flew into my eye! more rush! lol. So its about the safety and security, trust. I keep oscillating between calm and adrenaline. As for the rejection, I'm here to learn no mind and awareness. BEING inside. Not looking for anyone, gah! but I think I gots it. I feel grounded and centered. Tomorrow I'm doing a photo shoot with an artist out here for another artist I know in Canada! will be fun and will post. I met a young man a couple days ago with mental health issues, he walked by and told me the shop I was waiting at wouldn't be open for 10 min, I told him no worries I don't mind waiting. His response..I pray you are happy! and left. That's a first, sooo sweet. Yesterday I saw him walking by as I sat on the side of a busy street and I called him over and we had a great talk. He considers himself a philosopher and dang has he gots some knowledge! But of course right!? I'm so glad for having had to work through my own mental health issues in the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver BC, where everyone is dealing with it in one way or another. Lots of brilliant peeps there! When you fall through the cracks and hit bottom, and find it within yourself to rebuild yourself... those cracks, they let in the light and you can see yourself and all that surrounds you more clearly. For me anyways. I now look around me and see all these people around me pursuing the illusions that I gladly chased for so long. Now, I'm going inside. There turn will come. Enjoy the illusion, cus it's empty. See you on the other side one day. What does a boring day in India look like? I've never seen one! lol

Today I thought I would share my daily schedule with you, I'm up at 7:30, if dogs don't bark all night:( have a bucket bath and wash the three meters of cloth that is my underwear. Brush teeth and do dishes. head back to room and do sun salutations and alternating days I do push ups and core. Then I put on this fruit acid and herbal concoction on different parts of my body, its the same stuff I d rink and put on my wound. Then moisturize body with coconut oil. wrap dry material around waist to become my lagoti (underwear) for day, the wet clean material hung to dry for next day. put chain around waist( part of uniform) then loongi (skirt) then shirt, then the orange chandan paste across my forehead with a little red line up from the brow. Tie turban on, do puja..grab meds and vitamins and pack my purse and grab yoga mat for the day. sweep the floor on my way out the door. Head to cafe, order 300ml of carrot juice with another glass of 100ml of beetroot and 100ml of cucumber juice( doctors orders). drink that then wait half hour to digest it. Then mushroom cheese tomato on brown toast, take vitamins. when finished eat aryuvedic meds. head to internet spend hour doing what needs to be done. then home take med drops, once done off to burning ghat to meditate, hour later have snack, wait hour, more drops, wait hour, then lunch which is a huge salad. Take protein powder and spirulina which I mix at cafe. eat papaya to digest. go to ghat and sit for hour then home for more drops. then back to ghat to meditate. Dinner at 6:30, brown rice with dahl and two chappati. more protein powder. Go home, take drops hour after eating. disrobe and collapse. lol

I went back to my meditation spot yesterday to confront the fears coming up and had a great time without incident. My knees have finally dropped to the earth, first time evah... after sitting, stretching, breathing and focusing on all the energy going to earth to ground. YAY! It's soo cute, there are these really sweet dogs, which get mistreated along with most dogs and cats:( that I meet daily to go meditate. They are fairly clean as far as that goes here;) they have no open wounds and just fleas. But I have to have strong boundaries with them, I will pet and play with them when i'm not sitting on my mat, cuz I don't want fleas in it. So I have to give them an aggressive little grunt and point for them to stay. The brother of the two twists and wiggles his body and cries a little cuz he wants to play and be loved, but he eventually sits and then lays down as close to me as I will let him. His sister gets it and lays down directly. When I finish my sit, then I play with them. I love em. My aryuvedic meds and diet seem to be doing me good, the wound on my chest is sealed and seems to be healing and shrinking, gah finally no more bandages. I only have an hour daily for internet,which goes by soo fast:( more tomorrow. Love and light to you my friends!

So it would seem I've pissed off the Baba at the burning Ghat, the one who was trying to guilt some monies out of me:( I ran into the Sannyasin that sits with him and told him what happened. Now the Baba will not even look at me when I say hi, as well it seems he has told some of his followers. I've been sitting down below the ghat for a week or so now without incident, till now. The women have started putting their laundry on the pipe now, when I saw this I went further down the dirt road and tip toed through the brush and swamp and hopped on the pipe to where I sit. I got comfortable and then I could hear the women up behind me on the wall all talking loudly and angry, so I turned to look and they were all looking at me with scowls:( Really!? did they think I walked over their laundry?? Were they doing that to stop me? Whatever they thought they seemed mad at me. Whatever, I sat and started my meditation. Only to have 5 big Sikhs come down to the road in front of me from the Baba's temple, 4 older and one younger guy in his 30's and quite muscular which is surprising for these little indian boys I usually see. I gave a little nod and a smile, and they only scowled at me and the muscle boy with his arms crossed trying to intimidate me... by the energy I felt I thought he was going come over and smack me out. Funny, I had just prayed for a circle of protection moments before they arrived. They took a pic and then left. WTF?? The adrenalin was pumping and my flight of fight response was fully engaged. How did they know I was there? you really have to be on a mission to find me there. I've noticed the young guys that usually pass by who ignore me, now scowl at me. Baba is pissed obviously. I sat there and the young boys were up behind me and banging things and then I heard a bottle smash behind me. I sat for a bit till they left, then I went as well. I called my only friend here, she's been here for 10 years and had a talk with her. Basically its all 1st chakra issues,ie: safety, security,nourishment( I'm focusing on proper diet as well) and the right to be here. I've made sure all my important documents are somewhere safe and went back down there and continue my meditation. I can't let him intimidate me like that, I have to sit my ground and watch what comes up. All my energy wants to rush to my head and my knees want to come up, so I have to keep breathing and grounding my moolhadara base chakra which keeps wanting to tighten. Mantra chanting to keep my mind still and calm, as fearful images want to come in. So much crazy work. So again today I will go sit. My friend is aware of where I am if there is any incident.

Last night I went to my rock hard bed pissed off because the yappy chihuahua downstairs was left barking for two hours, only to awake before dawn to more dogs barking and then couldn't get back to sleep. Daily I go out with a smile on my face only to have people I meet be rude to me and only want my money:( even The babas . The first time I came here years ago was a short visit and I was with my lover Eddie, so it was us against the world and it didn't seem to bad till it eventually got under our skin and we left. Last time I came here I was with people in an ashram then I left the ashram and met a woman from south africa who introduced me to my guru and I was initiated, so lots to keep me from thinking of all the other undesirable stuff it was just part of the adventure. Now I'm here on my own, and really I'm so fuking over it. I've made one friend and she's from Austrailia, a total shakti powerhouse, but of course, I always seem to get along with gals like that:) The guys here are very pretty to look at, but they are total bitches and they need an old fashioned drag queen slap across their sweet arrogant faces. The Osho initiates all keep to them selves, I've trying starting conversations and smiling at them to no avail. Only to sit beside them in the same cafe daily and I get to hear them all praising them selves on how great they are doing spiritually. My rejection issues are up in my face and I want to be a total bitch! I'm good on my own, I'm very strong, but damn my inner child just wants to be friends and to be loving. If I'm rude they seem to respect me more, fuk that! I don't want to be rude, I've been that and can be that. I want to love and be apart of a community. My body aches from sitting daily, my mind is frustrated with all this shit! Yes, I'm having one of those days!!Boo hoo poor me..LOL. The brand on my chest is still hurting and is now only an opening the size of my pinky nail, but the flesh that looked healed is now reblistering and seems to be creating more skin underneath. I feel that when I leave I will be well armed though, I have my yoga, I will have the vipassana meditation experience and hopefully better health from the aryuvedic medicine and regimes along with proper diet. I know some of you will say its all me and I need to just chill, ya, no. I'm done. Can't wait to get out of here actually. I love the climate and landscape and some of the rich culture, but the bad is outwaying the good. Its off to Nepal next, I hear people are a lot nicer there and from my studies that where the true masters were expelled to when the Aryans invaded years ago. This is my experience so please don't layer yours on mine. I'm a smart loving talented skilled person who is an asset to any community and I don't feel anyone can see or deserves what I have to offer. And I don't feel I'm arrogant, just I know My own worth. I know when I'm done with something and this feels like it. My anger becomes the jet fuel to take me where I need to go. I don't feel I have anything else to learn here... patience?? ya I can learn that, sure. But not here. I'm done with India. The stories I hear of her wonder years..they are gone, spirituality is nothing but a high priced game here, with tons of corruption. I feel better even just saying it. Now its off again to take my meds and go sit by the river and do my meditation. I will have an awesome day. Alone amongst a lot of alligators. Love xoxo

I have met a muslim man named Monsoon, damn he is a masculine storm of sexuality! He is very fundamentalist.... I wonder what he do or say if I told him I was Lucy Fur!! LOL. I have been sitting with him the last few days and discussing the koran and the bible along with Hinduism. He is quite passionate and knowledgeable, its neat to hear about the line of Ishmael from him, as I taught sunday sch ool in a pentacostal church years ago and have a fair amount of knowledge from that source. Today we will meet again and talk more, I can't wait. As for the last update, I was reading up on the chakras last night and the fear seems to be related to moolhadara the base/root chakra which deals with safety, security,(fight or flight) nourishment and the right to be here. Kinda sums up how I was feeling. I know I'm hypervigilant and can feel all the tension in my body, so I will try and move energy out of my upper chakras where I live and focus on grounding the energy down my body and into the earth. My hope is that the vipassana will release some of the tightness from my back body which feels rock hard. Love love love !!! xoxoxox I'm so thankful you are with me for this journey! Blessings. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My biggest reason for coming back to india aside from fulfilling my initiation and becoming the character of the name given me, Maha Yogi, is to heal. I've done many self destructive acts to my body and mind over the years and for the last decade or so I've been focusing on self love and compassion as part of my healing journey through yoga and meditation. I owe a lot of my progress to these modes , my will and many lovely people along the way. Now I've started an aryuvedic medicinal regime that consists of concentrated herbs and food as medicine. The drops I have to take are to detoxify my body and will start making me nauseous and when they do I have to back off for a day or two till I tolerate them and then increase again. This in preparation for Panche Karma which sounds brutal:( Physician heal thyself is what the scriptures say, so with the help of all these different modes I should be healthier than ever when complete. But the road sounds rough. I want to thank all my friends and family for your kind words, prayers and support on this journey, I couldn't do it without you. As I sit down by the river daily, just below the temple which I've come to realize on my own and by talking to locals, it has a bad rep:( lots of dope smoking and drinking and bad behavior, Not much along the lines of spirituality though by the facade you would think it was. I find it funny, all the people who can afford to be in the ashrams are contained in a safe environment. I seem to find myself surrounded by corruption and negative energies But it is the only place clean and quiet enough to hang out, aside from my room. Today where I sit on a long concrete pipe with swamp, and garbage on either side of me,and hundreds of dragonflys surrounding me ...I opened my eyes since I could sense someone. A young strong guy had been standing right beside and was walking away as I opened my eyes. To say the least it makes me uncomfortable, what was the point of that? There is no reason to come out where I am. I realize life is both positive and negative and I see both there. It is not a sterile environment, the hawk plunges into the water and grabs the fish with its talons and retires to the tree above me to eat. The dogs attack the diseased dogs that come by, the corrupt seek to prey on whom they can. And I'm sitting there aware of it all and aware of whats going on inside me, the sense of danger and of love and life. Part of me gets a little scared cuz I sense the darkness yet another part just keeps reciting mantra and stays positive. what a trip. The dragonflys as a symbol represent Maturity and a Depth of character The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life. Love and blessings xo ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is for all of you that think I'm lost or in need of help, I'm not. If I need help I will ask. My life is an adventure and I live from the heart. The heart is not rational like the mind, its is passionate and crazy and intense. And that's how I roll. I am only sharing with you what I encounter and it is always changing and morphing into what i am to become. I feel life, I feel everything, I f eel the good the bad the painful..all of it. I have a inner guides that have never failed me. I appreciate your concern, but life is not a sterile quantum jump from point A to B in a vacuum without process. It may sound like I'm floundering but I am not. Thank you. Yesterday, like everyday... I walk softly and do my work, I was walking by the temple down to the river to do my yoga and meditation when the baba in the temple called me in. We sat and talked for awhile, he invited me to go and sit alone in a little room around the duni( fire pit) that his now deceased guru sat for years tending the fire. It was very shanti ( peaceful) after awhile I came out and sat some more with him and a sannyasin and told them what I am doing. The Baba told me I am welcome to sleep and take food in the temple anytime I like. they are going to help me get a 5-7 year visa!!! As well as help me with my Hindi lessons and teaching me the tabla ( drum). BOOM SHIVA! I LOVE INDIA ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've come to India to pursue my path and learn more. I know I want to serve my fellow man, but how do I do that? Through my life I've been in the christian church, and the rebel church, studied some buddhism (maybe more when I'm in nepal), other spiritual paths and now been initiated as a follower of Shiva who is a lot like jesus and buddha. They are a common thread. I've not found my place within what I've learnt yet. I know more of what I don't want. I'm supposed to be a renunciate which I thought meant to give up the world, I've come to realize it means to give up the rewards or fruits of my labour not the world itself. Since no being in form can completely cease from action. And like nandi the bull that flanks the temples of shiva, which gives its life in service to man by labour and milk and gets only it sustanence in return is supposed to be a reminder of how someone on the path ought to live. And I'm supposed to be a bramcharya, which I thought only meant celibate. It also means continence which means self restraint or moderation ( yippee;) . I'm beginning to think I need to throw off the constraints of uniform and ritual ( that i am supposed to do because it is the rules:( I need to know why I do it or it really is dead to me and meaningless) I want to serve in a meaningful way that truly heals myself first then others. Giving money doesn't help and i've not got enough to support everyone. I hope that the vipasana will bring me closer to my goal. The answer lies within me, I'm the temple. I LOVE mother India and never want to leaver her lap!!! But I know i'm here to learn and must return to Canada and take up my work there. I pray I find my place in the stream of life and find the passion to do it. I don't want to just go through the motions or do things out of expectation of a group or association. Onward and inward. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have finally stabilized here in Pune, I have a clean safe place to stay, a good cheap place for food and now things don't seem so bad. I found a place down by the river just below the burning ghats ( where they cremate their loved ones) which doesn't seem to be active. Once I'm passed the garbage:( it is quite lush with vegetation, though kinda swampy. I perch myself upon a concrete pipe that ru ns along the river, where I can sit in silence and practice yoga daily. A multitude of different birds, insects ( the jumping spiders freak me out!), cows, pigs and dogs roaming past. The sky is huge with amazing cloud shows, the sounds of the city are far enough away that i can focus on the sounds of nature. No one comes down where I am so it is quiet. Today I went to the medical store for more tape and the fellow offered me viagra!! LOL, I told him I am Bramcharya( celibate) he was shocked. Considering I'm wearing sadhu garb. he totally made my day:) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aside from peeing in my wound to heal, which still makes me giggle. The dance that India makes me do is something else, just when you think you've fallen out of the fry pan and into the fire. An angel pops out and the next moment your due to meet comes along and not before. I love the walk of faith and the excitement of it. One minute I want to cry and next my smile over takes my face. I've left the area around the train station and have gone off to Koregaon Park where I met a woman who has helped me to find a nice clean affordable room in a quietish area with access to clean parks and a river. In the process I found out that I used up two months of my 6 month visa traveling through Canada! I dropped it off before I left for winnipeg thinking I was being smart and getting things done. The clock starts ticking on it the day they issue it, not from the day you land in India! Now I may not be able to attend the Maha Kumbha mela to see my guruji :( And will have to leave India for Nepal in January. I guess there are other plans in the works for me, so I will keep moving forward and embrace what comes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when I got to Hong Kong I covered the brand on my chest with a big band aid which gave me a rash which got as big as my palm from the heat and moisture:( and the wound wouldn't heal. Yesterday my friend gave me a cream that is helping the rash. And I went online to find something to help the wound, I found the answer! My urine! LOL... and it is totally helping it heal in this humidity. THe acidit y is what does it. Side stepping big pharma and turning to the inner doctor. My life is so crazy. I've just landed in Pune and having a rough go, all hotels are booked and I have to stay in a dodgey lil hole with no fan! gah...sweating like mad here. And so far haven't found a friendly face to help me find a guest house to stay in for a month till the vipasana retreat. I can't find anything on line that I can afford:( this moments challenge. I just want to find some place quiet out of the city center. Tomorrow is a new day and will start again.