I'm meeting with aryuvedic doctor to talk about stopping, I can't seem to get up to the amount of drops I need to to go onto more harsh stuff and i"m still getting diarrhea. I'm not willing to deal with all of the routine and the runs during vipassana which sounds brutal enough! Dealing with heart chakra stuff, to love and be loved...to love oneself.... Been thinking and talking a lot to my inne r child past couple of days..I miss him/her and I miss playing, which usually only happens when I feel safe with someone or i'm drunk and on party favors. Observing the disconnect and the need for integration. I've decided to not look for anyone or thing outside of me, today me and I"m taking the inner child to find some water colors and paper. I used to do a lot of drawing in my room alone as a kid, time to do that again. I also like long nature walks, which i'm going to do again. I've had enough of people giving me crap about where I am and where they think I should be..I've been through sooo much hell in my life, lots self inflicted, i've had enough. I don't need tough love, i need sensitive, gentle love. I'm not stupid or deaf, nor do I need to be beaten with words or sticks, I'm a awesome communicator and quite perceptive. These 'enlightened' women, one gives me crap and the other won't talk to me till I do vipassana. Had enough! I'm the enlightened person I'm waiting to meet. I will do my work and if they or anyone else wants to talk to me, they can come to me! I ain't chasin anyone! finished. Tee hee, now to go and paint some landscapes:)