I have met a muslim man named Monsoon, damn he is a masculine storm of sexuality! He is very fundamentalist.... I wonder what he do or say if I told him I was Lucy Fur!! LOL. I have been sitting with him the last few days and discussing the koran and the bible along with Hinduism. He is quite passionate and knowledgeable, its neat to hear about the line of Ishmael from him, as I taught sunday sch ool in a pentacostal church years ago and have a fair amount of knowledge from that source. Today we will meet again and talk more, I can't wait. As for the last update, I was reading up on the chakras last night and the fear seems to be related to moolhadara the base/root chakra which deals with safety, security,(fight or flight) nourishment and the right to be here. Kinda sums up how I was feeling. I know I'm hypervigilant and can feel all the tension in my body, so I will try and move energy out of my upper chakras where I live and focus on grounding the energy down my body and into the earth. My hope is that the vipassana will release some of the tightness from my back body which feels rock hard. Love love love !!! xoxoxox I'm so thankful you are with me for this journey! Blessings. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My biggest reason for coming back to india aside from fulfilling my initiation and becoming the character of the name given me, Maha Yogi, is to heal. I've done many self destructive acts to my body and mind over the years and for the last decade or so I've been focusing on self love and compassion as part of my healing journey through yoga and meditation. I owe a lot of my progress to these modes , my will and many lovely people along the way. Now I've started an aryuvedic medicinal regime that consists of concentrated herbs and food as medicine. The drops I have to take are to detoxify my body and will start making me nauseous and when they do I have to back off for a day or two till I tolerate them and then increase again. This in preparation for Panche Karma which sounds brutal:( Physician heal thyself is what the scriptures say, so with the help of all these different modes I should be healthier than ever when complete. But the road sounds rough. I want to thank all my friends and family for your kind words, prayers and support on this journey, I couldn't do it without you. As I sit down by the river daily, just below the temple which I've come to realize on my own and by talking to locals, it has a bad rep:( lots of dope smoking and drinking and bad behavior, Not much along the lines of spirituality though by the facade you would think it was. I find it funny, all the people who can afford to be in the ashrams are contained in a safe environment. I seem to find myself surrounded by corruption and negative energies But it is the only place clean and quiet enough to hang out, aside from my room. Today where I sit on a long concrete pipe with swamp, and garbage on either side of me,and hundreds of dragonflys surrounding me ...I opened my eyes since I could sense someone. A young strong guy had been standing right beside and was walking away as I opened my eyes. To say the least it makes me uncomfortable, what was the point of that? There is no reason to come out where I am. I realize life is both positive and negative and I see both there. It is not a sterile environment, the hawk plunges into the water and grabs the fish with its talons and retires to the tree above me to eat. The dogs attack the diseased dogs that come by, the corrupt seek to prey on whom they can. And I'm sitting there aware of it all and aware of whats going on inside me, the sense of danger and of love and life. Part of me gets a little scared cuz I sense the darkness yet another part just keeps reciting mantra and stays positive. what a trip. The dragonflys as a symbol represent Maturity and a Depth of character The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life. Love and blessings xo ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is for all of you that think I'm lost or in need of help, I'm not. If I need help I will ask. My life is an adventure and I live from the heart. The heart is not rational like the mind, its is passionate and crazy and intense. And that's how I roll. I am only sharing with you what I encounter and it is always changing and morphing into what i am to become. I feel life, I feel everything, I f eel the good the bad the painful..all of it. I have a inner guides that have never failed me. I appreciate your concern, but life is not a sterile quantum jump from point A to B in a vacuum without process. It may sound like I'm floundering but I am not. Thank you. Yesterday, like everyday... I walk softly and do my work, I was walking by the temple down to the river to do my yoga and meditation when the baba in the temple called me in. We sat and talked for awhile, he invited me to go and sit alone in a little room around the duni( fire pit) that his now deceased guru sat for years tending the fire. It was very shanti ( peaceful) after awhile I came out and sat some more with him and a sannyasin and told them what I am doing. The Baba told me I am welcome to sleep and take food in the temple anytime I like. they are going to help me get a 5-7 year visa!!! As well as help me with my Hindi lessons and teaching me the tabla ( drum). BOOM SHIVA! I LOVE INDIA ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've come to India to pursue my path and learn more. I know I want to serve my fellow man, but how do I do that? Through my life I've been in the christian church, and the rebel church, studied some buddhism (maybe more when I'm in nepal), other spiritual paths and now been initiated as a follower of Shiva who is a lot like jesus and buddha. They are a common thread. I've not found my place within what I've learnt yet. I know more of what I don't want. I'm supposed to be a renunciate which I thought meant to give up the world, I've come to realize it means to give up the rewards or fruits of my labour not the world itself. Since no being in form can completely cease from action. And like nandi the bull that flanks the temples of shiva, which gives its life in service to man by labour and milk and gets only it sustanence in return is supposed to be a reminder of how someone on the path ought to live. And I'm supposed to be a bramcharya, which I thought only meant celibate. It also means continence which means self restraint or moderation ( yippee;) . I'm beginning to think I need to throw off the constraints of uniform and ritual ( that i am supposed to do because it is the rules:( I need to know why I do it or it really is dead to me and meaningless) I want to serve in a meaningful way that truly heals myself first then others. Giving money doesn't help and i've not got enough to support everyone. I hope that the vipasana will bring me closer to my goal. The answer lies within me, I'm the temple. I LOVE mother India and never want to leaver her lap!!! But I know i'm here to learn and must return to Canada and take up my work there. I pray I find my place in the stream of life and find the passion to do it. I don't want to just go through the motions or do things out of expectation of a group or association. Onward and inward. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have finally stabilized here in Pune, I have a clean safe place to stay, a good cheap place for food and now things don't seem so bad. I found a place down by the river just below the burning ghats ( where they cremate their loved ones) which doesn't seem to be active. Once I'm passed the garbage:( it is quite lush with vegetation, though kinda swampy. I perch myself upon a concrete pipe that ru ns along the river, where I can sit in silence and practice yoga daily. A multitude of different birds, insects ( the jumping spiders freak me out!), cows, pigs and dogs roaming past. The sky is huge with amazing cloud shows, the sounds of the city are far enough away that i can focus on the sounds of nature. No one comes down where I am so it is quiet. Today I went to the medical store for more tape and the fellow offered me viagra!! LOL, I told him I am Bramcharya( celibate) he was shocked. Considering I'm wearing sadhu garb. he totally made my day:) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aside from peeing in my wound to heal, which still makes me giggle. The dance that India makes me do is something else, just when you think you've fallen out of the fry pan and into the fire. An angel pops out and the next moment your due to meet comes along and not before. I love the walk of faith and the excitement of it. One minute I want to cry and next my smile over takes my face. I've left the area around the train station and have gone off to Koregaon Park where I met a woman who has helped me to find a nice clean affordable room in a quietish area with access to clean parks and a river. In the process I found out that I used up two months of my 6 month visa traveling through Canada! I dropped it off before I left for winnipeg thinking I was being smart and getting things done. The clock starts ticking on it the day they issue it, not from the day you land in India! Now I may not be able to attend the Maha Kumbha mela to see my guruji :( And will have to leave India for Nepal in January. I guess there are other plans in the works for me, so I will keep moving forward and embrace what comes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when I got to Hong Kong I covered the brand on my chest with a big band aid which gave me a rash which got as big as my palm from the heat and moisture:( and the wound wouldn't heal. Yesterday my friend gave me a cream that is helping the rash. And I went online to find something to help the wound, I found the answer! My urine! LOL... and it is totally helping it heal in this humidity. THe acidit y is what does it. Side stepping big pharma and turning to the inner doctor. My life is so crazy. I've just landed in Pune and having a rough go, all hotels are booked and I have to stay in a dodgey lil hole with no fan! gah...sweating like mad here. And so far haven't found a friendly face to help me find a guest house to stay in for a month till the vipasana retreat. I can't find anything on line that I can afford:( this moments challenge. I just want to find some place quiet out of the city center. Tomorrow is a new day and will start again.