Last night I went to my rock hard bed pissed off because the yappy chihuahua downstairs was left barking for two hours, only to awake before dawn to more dogs barking and then couldn't get back to sleep. Daily I go out with a smile on my face only to have people I meet be rude to me and only want my money:( even The babas . The first time I came here years ago was a short visit and I was with my lover Eddie, so it was us against the world and it didn't seem to bad till it eventually got under our skin and we left. Last time I came here I was with people in an ashram then I left the ashram and met a woman from south africa who introduced me to my guru and I was initiated, so lots to keep me from thinking of all the other undesirable stuff it was just part of the adventure. Now I'm here on my own, and really I'm so fuking over it. I've made one friend and she's from Austrailia, a total shakti powerhouse, but of course, I always seem to get along with gals like that:) The guys here are very pretty to look at, but they are total bitches and they need an old fashioned drag queen slap across their sweet arrogant faces. The Osho initiates all keep to them selves, I've trying starting conversations and smiling at them to no avail. Only to sit beside them in the same cafe daily and I get to hear them all praising them selves on how great they are doing spiritually. My rejection issues are up in my face and I want to be a total bitch! I'm good on my own, I'm very strong, but damn my inner child just wants to be friends and to be loving. If I'm rude they seem to respect me more, fuk that! I don't want to be rude, I've been that and can be that. I want to love and be apart of a community. My body aches from sitting daily, my mind is frustrated with all this shit! Yes, I'm having one of those days!!Boo hoo poor me..LOL. The brand on my chest is still hurting and is now only an opening the size of my pinky nail, but the flesh that looked healed is now reblistering and seems to be creating more skin underneath. I feel that when I leave I will be well armed though, I have my yoga, I will have the vipassana meditation experience and hopefully better health from the aryuvedic medicine and regimes along with proper diet. I know some of you will say its all me and I need to just chill, ya, no. I'm done. Can't wait to get out of here actually. I love the climate and landscape and some of the rich culture, but the bad is outwaying the good. Its off to Nepal next, I hear people are a lot nicer there and from my studies that where the true masters were expelled to when the Aryans invaded years ago. This is my experience so please don't layer yours on mine. I'm a smart loving talented skilled person who is an asset to any community and I don't feel anyone can see or deserves what I have to offer. And I don't feel I'm arrogant, just I know My own worth. I know when I'm done with something and this feels like it. My anger becomes the jet fuel to take me where I need to go. I don't feel I have anything else to learn here... patience?? ya I can learn that, sure. But not here. I'm done with India. The stories I hear of her wonder years..they are gone, spirituality is nothing but a high priced game here, with tons of corruption. I feel better even just saying it. Now its off again to take my meds and go sit by the river and do my meditation. I will have an awesome day. Alone amongst a lot of alligators. Love xoxo