Last night I had tons come up... after meeting the man who said Kailash is calling you, which I knew while I was in Canada, I went home and was reading a book on buddhism and it had this to say... "A persons family and dependents are all there due to the nexus of causal factors from past lives. Temporarily they join together, but in the end they must be parted. This in itself is not sad or painful. What is sad and painful is to pass a lifetime in vain, without being mindful of the buddha, without practicing buddha rememberance. Today let us simply abandon the myriad entanglements , turn the light around and reflect back. Buddha rememberance is the most important thing in life. There is not much more to say." Which made me think of yoga philosophy and the four aspects of mind....1) Ahamkara- ego, awareness of the existance of 'I" 2) chitta- memory; aspect of the mind which receives impressions and stores them as samskaras( unconscious memory or impression which sets up impulses and trains of thought) 3) Manas- instinctive mind; rational mind, 5 senses input. 4) buddhi- intellectual mind, higher intelligence, discrimination, the witness and intuition. All this info went from head to heart, and I felt it all. I know my calling is to let go of everything, I did lots in Canada, now its the knowing in every cell in my body that I have to let go of everyone for a few years or more. When I go up to the himalayas I don't know how but I will be up there for a long time. And won't be facebookin or anything. To get to the buddhi nature is going to take time and isolation. I have attachments to my family and friends, and last night it hit me like a ton of bricks. When the initiated me as Maha Yogi, another name of Shiva, buddha what have you, I was told it was a hard path. I'm starting to feel it. It is what my whole life has been preparing me for and its what I want. But on the other hand I don't want to let go. So I spent the night and most of this morning grieving, it was sooo painful and clearing, my whole body heaving. The diarrhea was a part of the purification as well, purging and letting go. We all have the buddha nature and we are all going to end up there, but it seems now is my time to go. My past came up, my wishes just to be with everyone. it was just so intense. I know when I'm done my work I will be back, but it won't be as this person. Failure and turning back is not an option. I see things for what they are and I can't find true joy in it. My only wish is that I had be able to have more fun with people rather than be so dark and serious as I was. When I hugged people I held on as long as I could, knowing it would be a long time till I could do it again. To many doors and magical things are happening for me not to believe its happening. It's like the neverending story, where the boy in the attic can't believe he's Atreyu. we all are the stars of our own story we just have to believe. I also know that you have to sacrifice lots in life to get to the really good stuff. It is sad and painful letting go, but I really want the pearl of great price... my trueself..and a peaceful mind. Love !! xo